Wednesday, August 26, 2009

You Cant Spell "Parenthood" without POO!

When I was pregnant with A, someone told me that baby poop smells sweet.  I wrote that person off as a crazy freak-show with an obvious poop fetish.  Well, as it turns out BFing poop actually does smell somewhat sweet.  Sorry FFers, you arent as lucky (another pro to bfing!!).  With A it smelled like cheesy popcorn, no lie.  Whenever we smelled some cheesy popcorn, we knew it was time for a changing!  That is, if he didn't already announce it to the world during the process, with the trumpets he somehow stored in his bum.  Child could fart.  LOUD!  E on the other hand, little lady that she is, could give the fattest trucker a run for his money.  First she starts grunting, then you hear FAAAAAAAART from across the room.  She's 10 whole lbs and she can fart louder than my husband after eating an XL can of refried beans.  Her... um... gifts also smell like cheesy popcorn, with the occasional rotten egg thrown in there.  She's bound to be a beautiful little pixie of a girl, and when she gets her first boyfriend, these facts and sound bites will be shared, mark my words.  No child of this family will be spared one of the greatest perks of parenthood-- humiliating your children. 

Now why am I telling you all about my children's poop?  Well, because poop is one of the main points of parenting small kids.  Your entire life consists of feeding, bathing, sleeping, pooping and crying.  Thats all kids will do, and save for the sleeping part, that's all you'll be doing, too.  First, you'll be amazed at just how much and how often a child can poop.  It would seem they poop their own weight each day!  It will be so funny and cute... until they poop ALL OVER YOU.  Yes, nothing says "POOP NOW!!" to a baby better than air hitting their bum during a diaper change, or an unknown ill-fitting diaper.

Scenario 1.  One day, when you're freshly showered and in a brand new white outfit (because them's the rules) you will go to change your little love bug and BAM!  Before you can move the new diaper, you are covered in bright orangey-yellow slime.  Yes, BFing poop is bright orangey-yellow, greasy (from the fat content of BM) and it stains.  Stains like the best grass/ketchup/grape juice/blood mix you could ever imagine. 

Scenario 2.  You'll be out and about, running errands or visiting someone (who doesn't have kids), with your little bundle of joy on your lap.  You're also wearing that nice clean new white outfit here, too.  Then you'll hear the butt-trumpets sound, followed by that wonderful cheesy smell.  Your lap will feel warm... and you'll lift up the baby to see a nice bright orange spot.  A HUGE orange spot all over the front of you.  This is also when you'll realize you forgot to bring/ ran out of diapers in the diaper bag.  People around you will stare in disgust while you figure out in your head a) what you can use as a substitute diaper, b) what you will do about the stain on your clothes, and c) how you will manage to fix this situation without smearing poop all over yourself, the baby, and the car seats.  The baby will smile innocently at you as you wipe the sweat from your brow... and now you have poop there, too.  YAY!

Poop will be everywhere in your life.  You will be eating and notice orange bits on your hand, under your nails, or on your wedding ring, no matter when you last shower was.  Everywhere you go that smell will linger, and you will check the baby's butt 4,972,944 times an hour.  Then you'll surrender to the baby, in all her pooptastic glory, and realize that baby poop is just processed breastmilk.  It's digested you-juice.  You'll get over it.

[z]

"A baby's an inestimable blessing and bother."  ~  Mark Twain

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