Saturday, September 5, 2009

When I Grow Up...

Over the past 2 days we've been in and out of our doctors' offices, doing routine visits and "stress management" therapy for me, as recommended by my OB.  Unfortunately their definition of "stress management" is a lot different from mine, as there were no half naked Rob Pattinsons waiting to give me a full body massage while my kids played happily in the next room, supervised by an award winning daycare provider.  Lame.

One (or two?) of the appointments was for my children to both get their well-baby check ups.  This, of course, includes shots.  Hooray!  Nothing spells best-day-ever like 2 children getting shots at the same time!  Well, A and E were troopers and only cried for about 10 seconds each before being distracted by cheez-its or booby, respectively.

Before that though, was my favorite part, measurements!  They give you a very vague idea of what your child is going to look like in the future.  Little Miss E is going to be perfectly average.  She's in the 50th percentile for everything.  This is a surprise, considering Mr. A is going to grow up to be Andre the Giant with a head the size of a basketball.  He's in the 75th percentile for height and weight, and between the NINETIETH and NINETY-FIFTH percentile for head size!  No wonder the child destroyed my body when I gave birth to him!  Don't worry I'll spare you the gory details.  (If you ever find yourself wondering, stick a live grenade in a few inches of garden hose, let it off, and that's about what my body looked and felt like.)

I wonder what jobs he'll be able to get as a 7 foot tall ogre with a watermelon for a head?  We're banking on Pats linebacker.  He'll be able to afford the XXXXXXXXXXL custom fit helmets with the multi-million dollars he'll be raking in.

Now before you ask, "what are you feeding him?!" I will tell you.  His diet consists of 90% all natural, healthy, no additives meals.  In fact, I spend hours searching the stores just to find things like ham with no nitrates or preservatives, chicken nuggets with no additives, trans fats or preservatives, jelly made with 100% fruit, and snacks without added sugars.  Yeah, I'm that mom.  He does get some treats like regular peanut butter, graham crackers and cheez-its, but it's not common.  So how does someone tiny like me (5'7, 115 lbs normally) create a child that is slated to be 6'2 and 180 lbs?

Magic! *does jazz hands*

No, not really.  All the men in both mine and my husband's family are over 6' tall and 180 lbs.  Some even getting as tall as 6'7!  I think I should invest in horse tranquilizers now, in case he acts up as a teenager, what do you think?  Maybe Amazon will have free shipping... *trails off, staring into space*

Anyways, at least I have a vague idea of what to expect from my kids when they get older.  And that is a lucrative career as a giant human bobble-head for A, and being the most normal sized, average girl ever born into our family for E. 


“Only mothers can think of the future - because they give birth to it in their children.” - Maxim Gorky

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