Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A guide to "double carts" at the supermarket

*Turns head swiftly as if I just noticed you there*
Oh, hi there.  My name is not Z, but you can call me Z.  Nice to meet you.  I'm hear to clear up some confusion some of you may be having about those nifty double carts you see at supermarket shopping plazas.  You know, those carts that have a giant plastic doohickey attached that appears as though it could fit a rhino, 3 giraffes and a wooly mammoth?  Sometimes the plastic doodad is shaped like a car, or seats, or what have you?  Yeah, those.  Those are what I refer to as "double carts".  I'm sure they have a much more scientific name, but for the purpose of this public service announcement, we're going to refer to them as such.

A picture I did not take, of the "double cart"

Now, when you feast your eyes on this unearthly monstrosity of mangled metal and broken plastic secured with pieces of duct tape that appear to have lost their stickiness some time in 1947, you may think to yourself,
"Self!  Cover your eyes!  Human retinas are not meant to be exposed to a thing of such beauty!  This cart must have fallen from the heavens!  This cart is the zygote of a unicorn and a ferrari 458 italia!  This cart will not only purchase items of a food-like nature, but it will also whisk you home, whip up a meal to tickle your tastebuds, and pop a bottle of champagne, all while whispering sweet nothings in your ear!"

You may begin to get confused.  Why did you happen upon such a majestic food-procuring vehicle?  Did Zeus plan this to happen in order to inform you of your divine superpowers that lied dormant until this very moment?  Should you, with your inferior human flesh, try to touch such an awe inspiring 6 wheeled transport system?


Not until you've reviewed these simple rules.

You see, though these carts, these magnificent moveable wonders, are made for people with multiple small offspring.  Count your children.  Are there more than 1?  Are they both under age 5?  These beauts are for you.

Now you may be wondering to yourself, "but my 8 year old is a lazy slob, can't I use this to transport him and encourage them to become obese, slothful, cow?"

No.  No, you cannot.

"But my lone 2 year old thinks they're neato skeeto!  Can't I just push her alone while I pick up my 4 organic vegetables, whilst sipping my $8 iced coffee and complaining about the capital gains tax?"

No.  No, you cannot.

"But I am a n'er-do-well 16 year old with no sense of proper public behavior because my parents never told me no, and I wish to procure this impressive piece of equipment for my own selfish high-decible entertainment purposes!"

No.  Don't even think about it.

"But I am a grown adult that is going to be purchasing a large volume of edible things, and I do not wish to take more than 1 regular cart, for there are only 6,000 of them left!  What if there is a mob on cheeze doodles, for pete's sake?!"

No to you, too.

"But my dog, Shmoopie, has a phobia of wheat based bread products, and does not like to be within 14 inches of cucumbers.  This is the only way she'll accompany on my food purchasing adventure!"

No.  And seek help.  You're sick.

And then there's the problematic experience of 1 double cart available when 2 heathen-clad mothers arrive at the food store.  The one with the younger child wins.  Period.  UNLESS the one with the younger child has said child in a sling, and the other mother has a child safety seat.  Safety seat wins in this instance.

The only exception is if there are an overabundance of double carts.  If there are more than 4 available, you may take one to do your dastardly deeds, just know I'll be giving you a dirty look every time we cross paths in the produce section.

I hope this clears up any confusion you may have about utilizing these beautiful wonders of engineering.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by "Super Colon Blow".  For when pregnancy give you crap, but doesn't let you take one.  Thank you and goodnight.

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