Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Life, in general

*warning* deep, heavy, emotional post ahead!  Proceed with caution!

Heavy on my heart has my grandmother been, as she lays helpless in the hospital, slowly recovering from her heart surgery.  This, combine with the enormity of being about to give birth has made for some interesting thoughts.

As I contemplate my grandmother and all of the trials, excitements, pains, disappointments, loves, losses, and the hundreds of thousands more un-label-able experiences she's been through, I have within me a sharp contrast, wiggling and kicking to get out of the perfect protection my belly provides, and out into this world of uncertainty.  Two helpless people on opposite ends of the same spectrum.

It is so unimaginably hard to look at a woman who has lived through all of it and more, and imagine a soul cut from her cloth about to emerge forth, clean, unbroken, unwrinkled, and pure, set to experience moments that lie behind her eyes, unspoken because of how large, or painful or personal they were.  Every wrinkle on her face, every tear in her eye, every little thing on her body that we perceive as imperfection, even the failing heart valve she replaced, is a record of her existence on this planet.  It's an earned stripe.  And it is so hard to see.

I am only 28 years old and I have experienced much more than I would have liked to.  Lots of hardships, heartbreaks, disappointments and difficulties.  But I have barely even begun to experience life.  How difficult it is to see a woman who has earned so much, who has conquered experiences I have only begun to overcome, lay helplessly, staring around the room as if she'd never been there before.  It's painful to see all of her accomplishments reduced to forgotten memories.  How am I supposed to extract the stories, hoping to absorb any bit of her strength, if she can't tell them?  How can I pass on her experiences to my own daughter, in hopes that she will never have to experience some of the worse pains life can bring?

The contrast between what is slowly coming to an end and what is quickly set to begin is so confusing.

How these two things exist at the same time?

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