Tuesday, December 3, 2013


Yesterday I learned that the incredibly painful grinding, nerve igniting, paralyzing pain I've been experiencing in my pelvis has a name.  It's some long name like Pelvic Deathosaurus Painythingy, but the name is not important.  What is important is that my pelvis is literally split in half.

And this is considered normal.

See, at the front of the pelvis there is this separation.

right above where it says "pubic arch"

It's filled with ligaments and cartilage and probably tendons and stuff, which normally keeps your pelvis one unit.  However, when you're too many weeks pregnant like I am, your body releases a hormone called "relaxin" that literally relaxes all of the ligaments and tendons and stuff in your body.  Its purpose is to allow your pelvis to stretch open while your body pushes your beautiful, watermelon sized baby out into the world.

In reality, when you've already released enough watermelons into the world, it only allows your overstretched body to flop and separate in places where it really shouldn't be.

ALL of your joints loosen.

ALL of your ligaments become relaxed to a point you become extremely clumsy and achy, which is really a terrible combination.

The ligaments in the front of your pelvis that are usually no more than a few millimeters separate from each other, double in length, sometimes up to a full centimeter.  Now, that doesn't sound all that bad until you imagine someone placing a wedge of that width between sections of bone in a part of your body that is not only sensitive, but also carrying the weight of a child and your bodily organs.

So this piece of framework, your pelvis, has now gained the wiggling space of a centimeter.  Did we forget to mention the numerous bundles of nerves in this area?  The numerous bundles that... say... may get smashed between these two bones?


So, every time I climb a set of stairs.  Every time I push a carriage at the store.  Every time I lift my 20 month old.  Every time I change positions in bed.  Every time I go from laying down to standing up (like, you know, the 30,000 times I have to pee in the middle of the night).  Every time I do any of these things, I am grinding two sides of my pelvic bones together, with goodness knows what smushed between them, causing me debilitating amounts of pain.  Sciatica is a walk in the park compared to this!  This is one of the many reasons we have decided to permanently close the baby making chapter of our lives.
By force.
And scalpels.
And staples.

Why am I telling you this?  Because yesterday my husband stared at me like a crazy person when I told him I not only went food shopping with my 20 month old child in tow, but also folded and put away the 6 loads of laundry that had been sitting at the foot of our bed for days (*cough* weeks *cough*).  I demanded a round of applause and a laminated certificate of awesomeness and a small trophy, but I did not get any of these things.

So naturally, today, when this came up on my phone's calendar notification center...

 I wasn't so sympathetic.

Moral of the story?  Don't mock your wife's crotch pain... you never know when your comeuppance is comin up.

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