Monday, February 3, 2014

I can conquer anything

Right now I'm feeling particularly emotional.  You can chalk it up to hormones- it probably is.  But I wanted to write down how I'm feeling, because usually my emotions don't sway in this positive direction.

Right now I feel like I can conquer anything.

January 2013-January 2014 has been the worst, darkest year of my entire life.  Not in an emo, over exaggerated way, but in a way most people, especially people my age, will never experience in their lives.  I had everything I kept sacred taken from me.  I lost people I loved more than anything in the world.  I lost a dream that can never be regained.  I went through intense physical pain to bring my last baby into the world.

I survived.

I didn't survive gracefully, that's for certain.  I was a hot mess for months in the beginning.  I still am an emotional basket case from the death of my gram.  And I still walk funny, and can't sit in a regular chair thanks to the giant hematoma still living in my left butt cheek.  Over the course of the year I have gone days without showering.  Days without eating.  I have months where I don't remember a dang thing I said or did, or how I got from one place to another.  My kids had days on end where they ate microwaveable food.  Or purchased whatever they wanted from the school cafeteria, and I didn't even bother to ask what they got.  My kids have had days on end where they didn't brush their hair, and they picked out their own clothes, most likely causing their teachers to wonder what fancy new mommy drug I've been abusing.

We all survived.

So how did I do it?  What amazing superpower did I obtain?  Who swooped in and saved the day for me?

Everyone and no one.

I had to survive it on my own.  I don't mean everyone abandoned me, I mean nobody could live through it for me.  Nobody could take my heart and say "nope, we're not feeling these feelings today!"  Nobody could bring my gram back to life.  There is no magical medical fix for the complications I had giving birth.  But I had people guiding me, checking up on me, talking to me, sending me little doodads here and there, sending me scripture verses, bringing me dinner, holding my hand through procedures, laughing with me, babysitting my kids, telling me stories about how their kids looked homeless the whole week their younger babies were born, and more.  I had little guardian angels lift me up and remind me this pain was temporary, and things would get better, no matter how impossible it seemed at the time.

They were right.

Most importantly I had people constantly reminding me that Jesus Christ offers to bring us through the pain we can't handle on our own.  I hear people say all the time "God wont give you more than you can handle", but I read a fantastic article right before my gram died that said basically, yes, He will.  Nowhere in the bible does it say He wont.  What He says is, when times get hard, when you feel overwhelmed, when you just can't take another breath because the weight of your heart is too much, bring your sorrows to Him and He will carry them for you.  He will lighten your load.  I never understood it the way it was intended before.  I always thought "well how is He going to lighten my load without undoing what was done???" Of course, that can't be done.  You can't go back in time.

But in my darkest hour, when I had cried more tears than could be counted, when I was so out of breath from sobbing, and my heart was too broken to beat, I knelt down and said "FINE!  Take this from me!  Carry it for me!  I can't do this anymore!  I am not strong enough for this!  If you are supposed to bear my burdens, then do it because I just can't anymore!"  In that moment I felt the tiniest little warmth surround me.  The lightest shield form around me, as thin as the membrane of a bubble.  But I felt it.  It was there.  It didn't make my problems disappear.  It pushed them ever so slightly back over the brink of bearable.  It was as if someone had recognized my capacity, and took everything that overflowed and walked beside me.  I was able to process just what I could in that day, and save the rest for another time.  A lot of the bad things that could have happened all at once during Luke's birth got spread out over days so my body could heal a bit in between.

I can conquer anything.
Not because I am awesome all on my own, but because I, my Savior, my family and my friends are all awesome.  I am so thankful for all of them

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