Monday, June 30, 2014

Life and loss

I'm on day 4 in the hospital.  I was lucky enough to have a scheduled, prepared procedure.  A lot of people here weren't so lucky.  There are mostly elderly people, some who look ready to die at any given moment, and some who have lapped me in the hallways on my daily walks.  There are people guarded by security because they tried to harm themselves.  People who are guarded by nurses because they're severely mentally disturbed.  People who scream all day and all night.

Then there are the nurses that cater to everyones needs no matter how dire, no matter how they're treated, no matter how many hours it's been since they've had a break, a meal or a moment to use the bathroom.

Then there are the doctors who are mostly robots that smile, but don't really care much about you, they just keep an eye on their "project" to make sure it works well enough.

I don't feel like I have the capacity to take in the delicacy of human life.  How strong our bodies are, to be able to repair itself after major injury, but how weak they are to completely shut down from even the smallest wound in a certain place!  Everything is "normal" on one hand and "life threatening" on the other.

It makes me want to do everything and nothing at the same time.  I'm too fragile to leave my bubble.  I'm too short for this life to not.  My children are too delicate to expose to life's dangers.  My children need to experience as much as possible for they could leave this world at any moment.

My head is spinning and my heart is hurting thinking about all this.  It's terrifying and freeing all at the same time.

This is when people snap.  Either it's too much to take in or they comprehend it all and use their time to really live.

After losing my hopes and dreams, my gram, having a complicated birth, and getting appendix cancer, I seem to be listing a bit to the left.

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